Ideally, the classroom is a place where everyone is valued and accepted. In reality this is seldom the case. Some children seem to be socially gifted – they know how to work and play with others, and for the most part, they are popular and well liked. For other, less fortunate children, the social world of the classroom and, perhaps more importantly, the playground is a black hole. They don’t know the unwritten rules that others seem to know without being told and therefore are constantly breaking them – which leads to being left out, or worse, actively disliked. Rejected children are not only unhappy, but they are also more likely to be bullied and to develop aggressive tendencies themselves. How can we, as teachers, help these children? Here are some ideas to consider.
Rejected and Neglected
First, it is helpful to keep in mind that children with poor social skills generally fall into two categories. Rejected children are actively disliked by their peers. They tend to behave in ways that make them difficult to be around. They may dominate games, they may cheat or refuse to share, they may name call or manipulate. Neglected children are not actively disliked; they just aren’t noticed. They are often shy and withdrawn, and because they don’t put forth the effort to make friends, they may not have any. A neglected child may also just be really different in the way he or she behaves – not aggressive or offensive, just so different that other children don’t really understand and relate to that child. At the bottom of this post is a way to identify neglected and rejected children in in your class.
One Friend Makes a World of Difference
Just having one friend can make such a difference in the life of a rejected or neglected child. Try pairing these kids up with particularly kind children. Pairing two neglected kids together could also work, but avoid pairing a rejected and a neglected child together. Perhaps a friendship will blossom. One thing that can help is to find something that a rejected or neglected student has in common with another student as a starting point. Perhaps they both enjoy a particular video game or are both interested in endangered animals. Generally, both rejected and neglected children do better in one-on-one situations than in groups.
Entering a Group Is an Important Skill
Imagine a group of children are playing a game at recess. Another child wants to play, too. Here is what successful children do when entering a group:
- They watch the group for a few minutes to understand the dynamics and the game being played. Then they jump right in taking a small role in the game. For example, if it is an informal game of kickball, they take an outfield position. They do not demand to play one of the bases or to be the next one to kick.
- They may simply ask to play, but they do so either without conditions, or they offer to play a part that is not very desirable. For example, if the game is an imagination game and no one wants to be a minor character, the new player may offer to play that part. They also happily take their place at the end of the line if it is that kind of a game.
- Enter the game and demand to play the best position or part of the game or for it to be his or her turn next or ask for “cuts” from other players in line.
- Enter the game and then try to change the rules to a version he or she likes better.
- Enter the game and complain about the way the game is being played or about how another player is playing.
- Enter the game and cheat or dominate the game.
- Stand near the game watching, but never enter the game or ask to join it.
Counseling Can Help
How to Analyze Your Class Social Hierarchy
I usually make a sociogram of my class – I ask each student to name 2 people from class they would invite to a party if they could. I've never asked about who they wouldn't want to invite though.
I then create a graphical representation of the data using a circle for each child. The lines between the circle indicate who each child chose. This enables me to see if my class is divided along gender lines, who are the "king" and "queen" of the class as well as any cliques (3 students who all choose each other) and outcasts. I think it is an invaluable tool, although I would not show parents of course! I use the sociogram to group my students at tables, to pair them for small group work and to give to our counselor if she's working with any of my students.
I think just having the awareness helps me be a more sensitive teacher, so I do it ever year regardless of whether I have behavior problems in the class.
Thanks for the post, I think it's so important for teachers to teach social skills as well as academics!
Jennifer @ Herding Kats In Kindergarte
Thank you for sharing. I think I will do this on Monday after spring break. I need to do some regrouping and we have about 40 days left of school. I know I have a rejected child already, I’ve been trying to build a relationship, he is going to counseling, but he is not responding as well as I had hoped. Other ideas?
I really like your sociogram – so visual. Thanks also for mentioning how valuable a tool like this can be in grouping and partnering students. I agree that social skills is an important part of what teachers do.
-Rachel
I think this is an unethical and misguided process. Teachers are not generally qualified to design, administer, or interpret social and psychological tests, and the assumptions a teacher makes on the basis of a one-time half-understood instrument can be damaging to students.
At least, that's what the child psychiatrist told my parents after my third grade teacher assessed me as "asocial" and "rejected" on the basis of a single sociogram. (In case you're wondering, the psychiatrist assessed me as a healthy kid with some asynchronous development — very slow in some physical skills, very fast in some intellectual areas. I'm now a successful, happy, middle-aged mother, wife, and professional educator.)
I agree that some social skills work can be appropriate in the classroom, but please — if you feel the need to flag this might be unethical — just abandon the questionable practice right away. In early grades, you can bring in books about friendship and social stories. You can randomly assign seating or table groups. But plese, don't use tests you are not qualified to interpret! If you would never show it to a parent, if you think it might be unethical, just don't do it!
Robin,
I think you bring up some totally valid points, and I too question the ethics of this particular method, as I said in my post. I really like your comment about how if you wouldn't share it with parents, you shouldn't do it. That is probably a good evaluative tool and yet…
I still think I got value from the one time I did do it and I wasn't using it to diagnose students, simply to see how they were perceived by their peers.
Always good to get different opinions – thanks for commenting!
I love that a teacher would care enough to do a sociogram, and this comes from a mother who most likely has a "rejected" child. Parents often know these things or suspect them and want a clearer picture with the help of the school. It is a hard truth to accept, but if delivered by a teacher who is proactive enough to explore and address it, I would think most parents would be accepting and appreciative. I would be thrilled!
Excellent post. It is always difficult to deal with neglected and rejected children.
I personally found it hard to make friends when I went to a new school.
I never annoyed anybody but nobody even felt my presence.
I felt neglected for more than one year. Nobody seemed to see me until I became the top of my class.
Friends started flowing in. Now I have grown into an authority. Many people want to visit my website and connect with me from all over the world.
Now I have too many friends than I am able to manage.
Teachers should observe and pair children up to avoid the feeling of being neglected.
I think it’s rather simplistic and misguided to assume that popular students are “socially gifted.” There may be other reasons why they are popular – often it is because they are dominant, aggressive, and hold sway over more suggestible students. Rejected/neglected students are often bullied for no discernible reasons, just that one student who is manipulative and power hungry, and often just plain cruel, derives pleasure from harassing/bullying other students, and convinces/manipulates/threatens those in his/her circle to go along or face the same treatment/be outcast from the “in” group. Surely there are awkward or socially inept students, but they are not uniformly unliked, sometimes, they are the aggressors, and their power differential causes other to be too intimidated to object to their behaviours/actions. Teachers have an obligation to speak and instruct their students on fair treatment and inclusion in the group, and to speak out against bullying and harassment. Leave the sociograms to the psychologists, if indeed they are of any real value. As another posted stated, they are often wrong, and only serve to pigeon-hole students.
I never knew a teacher who ever bothered to help a rejected child. Maybe that’s changing!